Tag Archives: faith

Choosing NOT to Choose Joy

Wow it feels like I haven’t settled in this space in quite awhile. I wrote my vacation posts, but I haven’t shared a heart post in way too long.

I specifically didn’t write while on vacation so that I could be more present with my family and once we got back it was all I could so to document everything we had done so that I didn’t forget. While I have notes of ideas for several posts, I just haven’t taken the time to write…and to be honest when I am stressed, well I start to get a little crazy-like, and that is where I found myself at the end of this week.

There are a number of things that “helped” get me to this place, some of which were a really pressured work week, VBS, where I got to help lead the actions and singing and it was the highlight of my days…but left me exhausted. (Seriously if I could JUST lead worship at VBS everyday for the rest of my life I would be a happy woman!) Tensions between Dominic and I. And our new puppy Sydney, who has been waking up at 4:30am the past 2 mornings so I have not been getting the sleep I need.

Did I mention we got a puppy? 🙂 She is the most loving, adorable puppy and I will have to do a post just to introduce her! The perfect addition to our family!!

Anyways, I woke with a pounding headache this morning and found myself in a “mood.”

It was not pretty and I wasn’t doing anything to fight against it.

I had ~~missed~~ not made my Bible study a priority this week, sleeping in (when pup allowed) instead of doing my study of Acts. I was pretty light on my morning prayer time too so I wasn’t seeking or staying connected to God.

What a hypocrite that I would lead children in knowing more about God at night, and then not apply those same principals to my own life during the day. Sheesh!

I knew that I wasn’t in a good place but for some reason I decided to stew in that place today.

I voxed a couple of dear friends, heart sisters, that pray for me and can take snarky, sassy Kristin and still love me. I shared that I realized I was choosing NOT to choose joy.

My attitude was awful and I didn’t care. I have so many things to be thankful for and yet I refused to acknowledge them.

Whenever I get in these ruts I recognize it (well most of the time). Sometimes faster than others…and today I knew it pretty early on, and yet I let my irritations, anger and frustrations fester and boil.

How old am I?

I am pathetic I know, but haven’t we all been there? (Oh please tell me that I am not the only one!?!)

We find ourselves in that dark place, unable or unwilling to seek out the positive. To find those reasons to be grateful. To Choose Joy.

And it IS a choice.

I do not have to stay in that place of negativity.

But at times I can’t see the positive on my own. I have to reach out to others for prayer and encouragement. I am so grateful that I have some women who are so faithful in praying with me and for me. Women that listen to my whining, speak truth to me and remind me not to remain in that place too long.

Yes I almost let the enemy have my day today. Almost, but not completely. Thank God for that!

So tonight, even though my circumstances haven’t changed much, I am going to choose joy. (<====Click to Tweet)

I am still tired, feeling a little frustrated, and anxious about my week ahead. But I can focus on all the negative or I can remember all of the things that I have to be grateful for. And the abundance of blessings that God has poured on to us is unreal.

How can I not choose joy?!

These aren’t easy lessons for me to learn. Quite frankly there are days that I wish it were easier…that God didn’t want to refine me because I stink at going through the fires. But somehow he takes my bad attitude and failures and makes something good from them.

Tonight I am holding out hope that this area of my life will be made beautiful as well.

And I am praying that for you as well. Stay strong friends, the enemy is out there seeking to destroy our happiness…fight to keep your joy, seeking God in all of it and giving Him the glory when the battle is won!

Kristin

Photo Credit: Virginia L

Even in the Middle of a Long, Dark Night

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It has been relatively silent around these parts for a week now. My family and Dominic’s extended family went on a vacation. 10 days away from work was wonderful and while I learned some good lessons, and experienced God’s beauty in the Black Hills of South Dakota, I haven’t had the time to process and write all that I would like to. Hopefully I will make some time soon!

But for now I need to share a story with you.

One of the things that I learned this past week was that God is always making time for me. There is opportunities to see His beauty, feel His presence all around me if I am open to seeing and receiving it. And while He was faithful to me, I admittedly, didn’t take much time for Him this past week.

I had big plans of setting an early alarm and going for a walk by myself for quiet time and listening to that mornings Bible verses for my group study of Acts right now. The reality was I was exhausted and needed mornings with no alarm. I slept most days 2 hrs longer than I usually do. And while the catch up was wonderful, as the week went on I could see the reflection of my missed time with God in my attitude and behavior.

Apparently the longer I spend NOT in prayer with God, or learning about Him the more self righteous and indignant I get. Ugh.

An argument with my husband and hurt words said at the end of the week was not how I wanted things to end, and honestly, I wasn’t too happy with God about it either (I’d rather blame anyone else then take responsibility for myself! ahem)….All that to say it is good to be back home and in my routine (well everything except the early morning exercise…that will come next week, I hope!)

Yesterday I was back at it though and we read Acts 16. Or in my case I listened to it on my Biblegateway app which is AWESOME. Seriously listening to the Word being read aloud has opened my ears to things I think I would have skimmed over if I had been reading it!

A lot happens in Acts 16. Paul and Silas meet, they want to go 1 direction but clearly feel the Spirit of Jesus stopping them so they follow His leading and go another way. (How awesome is that by the way?!)

They meet Lydia, who we are told is a woman of God and because of her faith her whole household is baptized. So encouraging for any woman who may be in a situation where the husband is not the spiritual leader of the home (a whole different blog post!)

And then they do some demon casting out and get arrested, charged, beaten with rods and thrown in prison.

Um, hello God!! What is this?!

But you know what Paul and Silas do?

25 About midnight Paul and Silas were praying and singing hymns to God, and the prisoners were listening to them,

Yep, that’s right. In the midst of a trial – a real one…not just a silly argument with a spouse, but a big, yucky, knock you down trial, they are praising God. Singing to Him and the prisoners hear.

And then there is an earthquake, they are freed, they lead the jailer to Christ, baptize him and then his entire household rejoiced with the jailer that he was saved.

Even in the midst of a long, dark night they praised the Lord! (<====Click to Tweet) And because of their faithfulness some amazing things happen!

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I am on the worship team at church and one of the songs our leader chose for us this week is called Praise the Lord.

I love the song, because it is a reminder that we always need to be praising God because Jesus is Lord.

Tonight we were getting ready to start and our leader read us a devotional about Job. Another story of a man who lost everything. I mean EVERYTHING. His children, his servants, his livestock…all of it gone.

And what was Job’s response?

He stripped off his sack cloth, shaved his head and fell to his knees and praised the Lord.

I felt like once again this must be a lesson for me.

In ALL things, am I willing to praise the Lord? And if not – why?

As we got started the leaders phone rang, and she left the sanctuary for a few minutes. When she came back she was sobbing. She had just been given word that her grandma had passed away suddenly.

Here stood a woman, a friend, in a moment of amazing grief. She wanted to go on and practice but she wasn’t sure she could. I made some poor joke about getting naked and shaving our heads and praising God, which made her laugh a little and she said she wanted to go on and try and practice.

What I experienced next was so profound to me.

There she stood, praising God, the middle of her long, dark night. In the midst of her sadness, she sang.

It takes your breath away when you witness someone display such faith. I don’t know that she realized it but in those moments I saw Paul…I saw Job.

As she stood on that stage and sang, I imagined her grandma, now at the feet of Jesus in complete worship to the same God we were singing for as well.

When Karlena died a friend told me that she loved the idea that her last breath on earth was followed by her first sight of God….standing at His feet. I like that…the same God I praise when I sing will be the One I see on my return home.

It doesn’t make the grief and the pain of our losses any less, but it is comforting to know that the story never has to end here if we are one with Christ.

And while we are here, we have an opportunity to be an example. To praise God despite our circumstances, and how we feel. God is still God and we should Praise Him.

When it comes out easy, Praise the Lord….

Because in EVERY moment, Jesus Christ is Lord.

When it seems to hard, Praise the Lord…

Because in EVERY moment, Jesus Christ is Lord.

Her example tonight will stick with me. I want to be that example for others myself. To stand and worship, even when I don’t feel I have the strength. Because there is grace for today, so praise the Lord.

Photo Credit: mort’n

The Layers and In Between

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The take-off began in the haze that had settled over Houston. The higher we climbed the cloudier it got.

It was bumpy at the onset, so my eyes were closed for a few minutes, and as I opened them we were just rising above the cloud line. Land was visible below in small spaces between the fluffy white clouds. I had a strong sense of the emerging that had just occurred. The layer that just minutes before been hazy and difficult to see through, was now clear and beautiful.

I started taking pictures with my phone, it may or may not have been “legal” at that point, but I couldn’t stop taking in Gods beauty.

The tops of the clouds looked like cotton balls that had been stretched apart for the beard of a Kindergarten Santa project. Soft and inviting, comfortable even!

As the plane rose, the skyline changed once again. I am not a meteorologist (BIG shocker I know!!) so I don’t know the technical term, but the next layer of clouds was flat, like fog almost. But off in the distance were spots where clouds were shooting up into the sky above in billowy formations.

I wondered if storms were brewing below them.

Have you ever been in a place that right where you are is flat and calm but you were able to see the storms on the horizon? You are sure something is happening just below the surface but you aren’t positive what it is. Will it bring a difficulty? A time of testing? Maybe an opportunity to trust in God?

Would you join me over at God-sized Dreams to read the rest of the post?!

Choosing Joy – How One Man Holding a Sign Can Make a Difference

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A local furniture store has been advertising a HUGE, EVERYTHING MUST GO, SALE OF THE CENTURY, kind of sale since before Memorial Day weekend. They have big banners in the window and a fleet of 3 cars with big signs attached to the tops of them, that people drive in a caravan around town all day long.

And then there is Paul.

Paul is a young man, I would guess in his 20’s, who stands in front of the store with another sign that advertises the sale.

Every day on our way to and from work, we see Paul. And he is dancing and shaking his hips, and waving as people drive by.

He is a young man, holding a sign for his job. All day long, six days a week, he is out on the sidewalk holding his sign.

And Paul exudes JOY.

It has been HOT and then wet and rainy, stormy and windy all wrapped in one.

And yet, Paul is there waving and dancing and reminding me that we can find joy if we choose to in ANY circumstance.

I think of how often I come to my nice comfortable work space, a job that provides financially for our family, and I am unappreciative of the work I “have” to do and I forget that I “get” to work in the comfort of air conditioning, with chocolates and nice people.

I stop choosing joy and allow the stress to overwhelm me.

Yesterday I was driving by and saw him there again and felt very strongly that God was telling me I needed to stop.

But that is ridiculous, and creepy right?

And I stopped to get gas and asked God to tell me out loud if He really wanted me to stop and meet this man with the sign. (Let me just say that God doesn’t give into my demands…He lets the Holy Spirit do some heart work on me instead)

My heart was pounding and so I drove back to where he was. Except there were 2 cars blocking the driveway entrances…so I had no place to stop. (Excuses I know!)

But I felt like this was something I was supposed to do. So I voxed my closest prayer partners and told them this crazy story…so that I would be held accountable.

And then today at lunch Dominic mentioned the man with the sign and I told him that I felt like we needed to go and stop.

And after lunch we did just that.

We brought him a cold soda, a baggie of chocolates (which maybe wasn’t the smartest idea because it was super hot out) and a Choose Joy card with a $20 “tip”.

I asked him his name – it’s Paul if you hadn’t caught that before.

And I told him that we see him every day, dancing and waving and holding his sign, and that what he does matters.

He is bringing joy to people on the streets of Marshall. He is getting paid to hold a sign but he is doing that job in such a way that it makes a difference.

Maybe God wanted someone to tell him that he was doing just that.

I am so glad we stopped…that moment brought me such joy and a a renewed perspective that we ALL can make a difference – we just have to make the choice to choose joy. (<====Click to Tweet)

Is there someone in your life, someone you see on a regular basis that maybe needs to hear that what they do matters? Take the time today and tell them. Ask them their name and thank them for what they do.

Words can be life changing…what if what you say to encourage someone is JUST what they needed at that moment?

My hope is that Paul will know how much God loves him. It is just an honor to be a small part of sharing that love!

Photo Credit: jakerome

Under His Wings

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I received a small plaque as a wedding shower gift with a picture of an eagle and a Bible verse on it. The familiar Isaiah 40:31 “but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.”

I hung it on a small nail right above the light switch in our bedroom in our old house. For 13 years I would see that plaque as I entered and exited the bedroom and that verse would eventually became one of great comfort to me.

I am not a very patient person by nature. Alright if we are being honest, I am not a patient person AT ALL. In fact when I would pray for patience God would give me plenty of opportunities to “practice” and I pretty much failed every time. I have since stopped praying for patience! 😉

So waiting on the Lord wasn’t something that came easily to me.

And because I also struggle with control, I often take life, and the lives of those around me in my own hands. If everyone would just listen to all my wisdom, things would be so much easier wouldn’t it? ahem…clearly God has had some tough work to do with the likes of me!

My husband and I married at a young age. Pregnant with a son at 21, we were ill equipped to be husband and wife, and even more so, parents. I had a “white picket fence” idea of of what marriage and motherhood should look like and when things started to get difficult I didn’t know what to do.

I had what I thought was a “relationship” with God, and a belief that Jesus had died for my sins, but the way that I invested in that relationship was by crying out to God when things were tough, and begging Him to fix the problem (aka my husband – because clearly I was a saint). I didn’t praise Him for the good things, I didn’t spend time in His Word…I just called on His 1-800-CRISIS line when it suited me.

Have you ever been there? So self-righteous and sure that you are in the right, so quick to point fingers and control? Hard headed and stubborn? No – it’s just me?

I am honored to be sharing this full post over at Katie’s blog today. She is doing a series on the Psalms and it was a blessing to study and reflect on Psalm 91.

Photo Credit: Carl Chapman

Layers Unfolding

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I love the birch tree that is in our front yard. It has always been a thing of beauty to me. While I typically picture the birch as a tall straight trunk this one is different…unique in its own way.

In the mornings when I do my bible study I often just enjoy the view of this beautiful tree. A few days ago I was resting after lunch and noticed all of the different layers that were bending away from the main trunk.

A few spots were especially raw and the bark that was exposed underneath was a lighter color. The kids at one point this spring took to pulling on that bark and tearing it away when it wasn’t ready.

I find myself doing the same in my own life at times . Wanting so bad to find the new skin under the old, I tear away at the layers of who I am and find that it is too soon, too raw and I am not ready for the change.

Dominic and I will celebrate our 18 year anniversary in a little over a week. It just so happens that we have been asked by our pastor to share our testimony on that very Sunday in church. Sharing where we have been, what has changed, and where we still struggle today. Oh and all in the span of about 20 minutes. If you know my husband and I you know that we aren’t short on words so getting it all in will be just short of a miracle in itself! 😉

I have been thinking a lot about what best to share so that God gets the glory. There are so many miracles that have occurred in our relationship because of Gods intervention and yet, still so much change and growth that needs to occur inside of me.

I would like to say that I am not at all a reflection of the person I once was. Angry and bitter, resentful and vengeful and feeling oh so holy.

But the truth is that even though there have been so many changes, there are still areas of bondage that I struggle with. Yes God has slowly peeled back layers to reveal a new creation because of His hand …. But I am not fully complete yet that is where I struggle the most.

Specifically, I am not good about taking responsibility for my poor behavior. I can point out the negatives in someone else real easy. Just ask Dominic he has had the unfortunate “opportunity” to experience it firsthand. I can justify my choices based on something that has no relevance to the situation. And make excuses for why it isn’t ever my “fault”.

It isn’t right and it is a repeating sin in my life that is becoming all too burdensome.

I want freedom.

I want to rip off the old layers and find the new underneath.

But am I ready for real change? Is my heart in the right place? Have I truly brought it to the alter, willing to do whatever it takes to find freedom once and for all?

I believe that God can deliver us from those things that keep us in bondage. Fears, addictions, anger and resentments. I have seen God work in amazing ways in the lives of people around me.

So why not me? Why after almost 18 are there still areas that haunt me?

I have to believe that I haven’t been fully ready to shed the old because it is comfortable. Sure my behavior gets me in trouble every once and awhile, but who is it hurting really and aren’t there so many worse things out there that I am not doing?

Is it really all that bad?

The answer is yes. Especially if it hurts the people closest to me that I love.

And you know what? I don’t have the easy answer on how to change. I know that with God all things are possible. So I am giving myself, my sins, my justifications, and my anger…giving it all to God.

I am praying that He will remove the layers that need to go in His time. I am asking that what is found underneath any bad be filled with the full knowledge of His grace. That I would be a reflection of Him through me so that I couldn’t take credit for the transformation.

Because I want you to see Him when you see me.

God is the reason I have the ability to pour into these pages here. He is the reason I find myself typing frantically on the notes page of my cell phone at 11:42pm because this message here is His not mine!

I believe that no matter what is holding you or I in bondage today can be loosed and set free by the power of the Almighty! We just need to be the least bit willing to let Him do the refining, no matter how long it takes.

I think we will find that what is underneath is strong and beautiful. And He does it all because of His great love for us.

Don’t be discouraged friend. Start praying over those areas you want freedom in and be ready to give Him the glory as the transformations occur!

Lessons I Learned from My Daughter

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My only daughter is a bit of a hoarder.

She is three and fiercely independent, and apparently has a problem sharing her things. She will make piles with all of her favorite toys in the middle of her room, add a bag of chips and her new beach towel and she is set and her room is off limits!

I will “encourage” her to go and clean her room. And since we are all friends here and I am sharing a bit of my reality…she doesn’t listen to a word that I say. She instead will “encourage” me to clean it for her. Ahem – it is a time of training for both of us.

She is holding tightly to those things that she thinks she can control, testing boundaries and seeking to find her place in our family.

And I realize that I am no different in my Father/Daughter relationship with God.

I did the whole “accepted Jesus in my heart” prayer when I was a pre-teen. I heard a woman’s story of redemption, and her call to pray a simple prayer. I said the prayer with expectation but didn’t feel a change.

I figured I must have done it wrong. So each time I had the opportunity to say that prayer, I did…I assumed that at some point it would “take.”

My teenage and early adult years weren’t easy – whose are really?! But I didn’t have a relationship with God because I didn’t feel worthy. My life was always such a mess.

God wants us right in the middle of our mess because it’s the perfect place for Him to shine through our imperfections.

I walked through life knowing I was a hypocrite.

So I worked really hard at trying to “get it together”. Instead of embracing the failures as opportunities for growth and thanking God for the grace He gives me, I tried to just be better, do better, act better…because maybe then I would earn the right to be one of His.

That merry-go-round is exhausting isn’t it?!

It has been an honor to be a part of the Rhinestone Jesus launch team and today I had the opportunity to share a “Yes in my mess” guest post! You can read the rest of this post over at Kristen Welch’s blog “We Are That Family“!

Between the White Lines and Beyond…Trust Without Borders

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“Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders….” Oceans by Hillsong United

I have a hard time trusting in things that I can’t see.

I was driving home from a trip to my old hometown recently and it was dark. We joke that this particular area of Southwest Minnesota is called the “kill zone” because of the large number of dead deer you will see along the road.

The road was winding. I realized that I could see very clearly between the two white lines that border the 2-lane highway…but beyond that, into the ditch and farther into the empty corn fields next to me, was dark. At times, if there were no other cars around, I could shine my brights and see just a bit more into the ditch. But most of the drive was done not knowing if there were deer out in the shadows.

During drives like this I find myself in constant prayer for protection. I know that there is a good chance that danger is out beyond my sight line. I can see the evidence of it scattered along either side of the highway . I am afraid of the “what-ifs”, the deer unexpectedly coming across the road, the concern that I might hit something. This can make for a long and miserable drive.

I find the same to be true in my faith walk at times.

Comfortable with God in-between the two white lines, I put Him inside of my little box and trust Him in the spaces where I can see clearly and feel I have control.

But in the shadow, in the unknown….that can be harder for me.

What-ifs can weigh heavy and fear can be debilitating.

Fear has dominated many areas of my life – is it a struggle for you as well?

I trust God well when things are calm, when I know what to expect, even in hindsight when I can reflect on His faithfulness.

I struggle most with trust during those times when the future is unknown, when the danger feels real and present. I start to question God’s timing, His provision, even His love for me.

Why is it that this is my natural response? Haven’t I seen the many ways He has been a shelter for me, a refuge in times of a storm?

Then why does my trust only extend to the places that I can see and control?!

I’d love to have you join me over at God-sized Dreams to read the rest of this story!