There are times when there are posts and ideas in my mind that I’m really excited to write about. And then there are times like today that I feel God is calling me to write and I don’t want to share the words.
Because if I’m being honest, this isn’t something that I want you to know about.
It reveals a part of my soul and my character that are difficult. Areas in my life that God is working on me, refining me… you see I have a problem with anger.
Anger itself reveals my lack of self-control and the ability to find the good in situations. When my first response is one of anger, nobody wins.
And I can feel it. I can feel myself getting angry and once I am there it seems that my natural response is to yell.
I want to be a place of safe harbor. A place of comfort and trust. But a mama that explodes when she is frustrated is no safe harbor. (<====Click to Tweet) When my kids know that mom is mad they don’t come to me…they go the other way.
It is a harsh and painful reality.
The majority of this post was spoken when I was in the bathroom. Okay maybe that was too much information for y’all…so sorry! I was just getting ready one morning, and I just felt very strongly that these words needed to be written.
So I used my phone and my notes app and I spoke these words into being.
I want more for me. I want more for my children. I want my more for my husband and my friends.
I don’t want my legacy to be one of anger. (<====Click to Tweet)
I know it must have been God’s prompting to read Heather’s post that morning. In this season of busy I haven’t been able to keep up on his many blogs as I would like to. But for some reason I clicked through and read her post.
Heather was brave and shared her own story of struggling with yelling at her kids. Of putting on that face, that mask if you will, for everyone outside of her home. But not having that same attitude towards those closest to her.
And unfortunately her post struck a nerve because I can relate so well to what she was saying.
So as I got ready that morning I could just feel God convicting my heart.
“I called you to be a light.”
“Yes that light is important when you share it with the outside world. But even more than that Kristin, you need to be showing that light to your family.”
So I come before you broken, stripped bare and humbly asking for your prayers.
I am going to be circling this in prayer. I can’t make this type of transformation on my own. God has to do a work in me and through me. I just need to be willing to do the hard things to see change.
I want to use this space as a place to remain accountable.
You have all blessed me with my own safe harbor. Your words of encouragement and not judgement help me to be more transparent. So it may get raw and real around here but I need to be able to take off the mask…even if just in this space first.
It is my prayer that as I walk this road, God will mold me into the woman, the mother and wife He created me to be. Thank you friends for walking with me!
In Him, Kristin
Photo Credit: Rasmus Zwickson