The Darkest Hour

In 2010 our family experienced numerous changes. I was pregnant with Karlena, Dominic had taken a new (and much prayed over) job in MN and for 8 months, through the worst winter ever, we lived apart during the week.

In May of that year we sold our first home, bought another in a neighboring state and dove head first into what I believed was “the reason God brought us here“.

While things were always (putting it mildly) tough at Dominic’s new job we felt like there was a “reason” he was there. I was allowed to work from home with the Bank I had been employed with for 13 years….it felt like, for the most part, we were finally coming to a stable place.

And then in late 2011 the bottom dropped out. And in a BIG way I might add.

In the matter of a few short months we went from 2 high-paying jobs with wonderful (and cheap) benefits….to both being unemployed, uninsured and facing the real reality that we might have to walk away from our dream home, our dreams here and move into the basement of one of our parents.

Trust me….these were dark times.

Dominic handled it better than I did. He would just keep telling me that everything was going to be ok. He didn’t know how…but he knew that it would. Even if it meant giving up what we thought we “deserved” here.

I on the other hand didn’t handle it well at all. I sunk into a fast, and dark depression. I was convinced that things would not be ok. I believed with my whole heart that we had followed what we thought was God’s path, and it wasn’t, so we were reaping the results of that.

And I didn’t know how, and didn’t want to deal with it.

I was embarrassed about what we were going through and I wanted out. I started thinking that if something “happened” to me…and it was an accident, then Dominic and the kids could collect on my life insurance and everything would be better.

I am not proud of how I dealt with everything, how I allowed myself to believe the lies that “death” was an answer or how much my faith slipped during this time….but I share it here because I want you to understand the depths of my hopelessness.

I couldn’t see how it could possibly turn around. I didn’t want to accept help from others. I was stubborn and prideful and my family suffered and worried because of it.

But God was bigger than my lack of faith. He knew the path we would be walking….and He loved me through my time of anger and questioning.

While things didn’t play out as I thought they should….because of course I know what’s best for my life…. 🙂 Things that have evolved over the past 8 months are MORE than the dreams that we thought we had!

Did you hear that? What I thought was the “dream” for our family….was so small in comparison to what God had planned.

Today my husband is running his own business, a dream we thought wouldn’t be possible for many years. It is so busy that he asked if I would join him and help out around the office. I spent the past 2 days working along side him….and my heart is so full.

I have seen God take my hopelessness, my mistrust and my lack of faith…..and turn it into something that is a blessing to our entire family. He IS good….He always was….I just couldn’t, wouldn’t choose to see it.

Friends, I don’t know where you find yourself today. Maybe you are facing a job loss, a broken marriage, a lost dream. I want you to hear me on this….even when it feels like God isn’t there, in the thick with you, He IS. If you are struggling with this truth right now, please let me know so that I can lift you up in prayer.

While I know that things will never be “perfect” in this lifetime….I do know that God has been faithful and will continue to be faithful to those that love Him and are called according to His purpose. Don’t give up friends….don’t give up.

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13 thoughts on “The Darkest Hour

  1. Jess :)
    Twitter:

    Beautiful, friend!! He is FAITHFUL and I’m so thankful he brought you out of that dark place. I remember praying for all of you during that time and wishing there would’ve been more I could’ve done. Only God could do MORE than what any of us could EVER even imagine.

    Thank you for sharing your heart, friend! He has used you in such a wonderful way and He continues to on a daily basis. I’m BLESSED to call you FRIEND and to know that it’s a true, genuine, and heartfelt friendship with GOD at the CORE!! 🙂

    Reply
  2. Emily Simmons

    Kristin, I have been exactly where you describe in this post — lost jobs, hopelessness, suicidal thoughts.

    I love this: “But God was bigger than my lack of faith.” God came through in big ways for us as well. Thank you for your honesty in sharing your story.

    Reply
  3. Chick Flick Diva
    Twitter:

    POWERFUL STORY! I love that you remind us that even in our anger and hopelessness that God still loves us. I also love to hear how God’s dream are better than what we could ever imagine. Thanks for sharing your heart.

    Reply
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  5. Laura Rath

    I understand that feeling of despair and waiting for God to lift me out of it. He is faithful and walked with me through it all. Thank you for sharing!

    Reply
  6. prairiejuan

    Peeking in from A Deeper Story linkup today. LOVE this story. It does my heart good. I needed to hear that there is hope after darkness. I, too, have been in the pit of despair for way too long. My husband took a job in a city 5 hours away about 19 months ago. We were separated for several weeks at a time for over a year until I moved with the kids this past summer. Our house has not yet sold and so we are carrying a heavy burden financially. The length of time has made me realize that I am more patient than I realized but it also has made me realize that I’m a grouchy patient person. I want to see the light at the end of this tunnel….I know it’s there. Thanks for sharing.

    Reply
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