We are studying Colossians in our Hello Morning study right now and the question today asked how did the text talk about instructions for walking with Christ daily. Our leader shared that there is a woman in her church who is struggling to get pregnant and has lost hope in that dream being fulfilled.
There is a darkness that seeps into the empty spaces when hope is lost. (<====Click to Tweet)
I have been there.
I lived years in a struggle of trying to find and keep my hope. Years where my husband and I walked apart from God. Stubborn and selfish and sure that we could “handle it”….we stumbled along life, limped is more like it.
I cried out to God in those times that I felt completely alone. Where was He? I wanted Him to fix my problems, make it all better…but He didn’t, and I was angry.
When life started to change for us, when we recognized the need for a Savior in our lives, I started to feel that hope returning. Maybe this time things would be different.
We started going to church, we were baptized and rededicated our faith. We said prayers together as a family in the morning and shared our faith with others. We were doing all the “right” things.
As things started to change we talked about trying to have another baby. We had struggled with getting pregnant with Gabriel, but now…it should be easy. We were doing what God wanted. We were on His path so surely He would “reward” us.
And for 18 months we tried, and each month the hope that I had in the goodness of God faded a little.
You see I walked through those times believing that because we were finally making Godly choices, that somehow we deserved all the good stuff. Alll that God had to give us. I deserved it after all those years of struggle, didn’t I?
And then one morning, 2 faint pink lines.
Finally! I rejoiced in the goodness of God and my hope in Him swelled.
God is good when He allows good things to happen….
And then one morning the cramping came and I knew. I fell to the ground that day in my bathroom and begged God to stop what had already started. I believed with everything in me that He could save this baby if He wanted. You can do this God – I will proclaim Your goodness if you do. Please God.
But it didn’t stop…and in those moments my hope was once again gone.
How could God allow bad things to happen to “good” people?
It was a question that I wrestled with for 6 months.
Honestly friends, it is a question that I still wrestle with…bad things happen to good people ALL.THE.TIME.
But I was lucky because I had some faithful people that surrounded me during this dark season of my life. Women that knew the Lord and openly shared their faith with me.
They prayed for me. They told me that God could handle my anger and my questions. They shared their own stories of loss and frustration, and then they shared the hope that they had in Jesus.
It didn’t come overnight.
I wasn’t sure it would ever return. I seemed surrounded with people pregnant with life, while I felt a barrenness in my own. I wanted what I didn’t have and I wouldn’t allow myself to celebrate with those who did.
I saw a counselor and she encouraged me to write a letter to the baby we had lost.
Looking back on it, it was one of the first things that led me back to writing in 2008. And so I penned the words I had for that child. The child we had prayed for and loved from the first moment we knew they were ours. I cried ugly tears through the process but found healing. I had written my love letter and I wanted to hope again.
And one day I found the blog of a woman walking on her own dark path.
And yet she had a faith that was strong and sure.
“Jesus is the same today as He was yesterday…”
As I read her words I felt my faith changing. I wish I could say that it came back because of my reading the Bible, or my prayer…but it didn’t.
I needed to see the faith of another, played out in real life in front of me, to believe again.
And that is exactly why I write today.
If I can share my testimony, a piece of my story and bring hope to even one person…it is worth it.
Angie did that for me…she walked the hard road with faith and my life was changed because of it.
Life isn’t going to be easy. Even when we are doing all the right things. I know that now, but today I hold onto the hope that it is all for God’s glory. That our messes and weaknesses and then our subsequent muddling through them might someday offer another hope.
I don’t do it perfectly, but I don’t have to.
Today I read my Bible in the hopes of knowing more of who God is. I know that difficult times could be just around the corner. I know that I am not promised tomorrow so I try and live today fully aware of His grace and mercy in my life.
I have so much to hope for, even when life is tough. (<====Click to Tweet) And I am called to share the peace that I have found in depending on God through it all.
So I write on. And I hope. For you and for me I hope. And for each woman out there that is at the end, on that cliff…feeling like all is lost and God has abandoned them…I am praying for you.
God can handle your questions, your anger and your fears. And He won’t abandon you just because your faith isn’t strong right now!
No in hindsight, I can now see where in those weakest of moments, He was carrying me…and He is doing the same for you.
Today I have confidence that He will return your hope back to you as He did for me. Hold on sweet friend, it is coming….