Fixing My Eyes on Jesus

It is an interesting thing this life. The start of a new year brings the opportunity to pause and reflect, to have hope for the coming days.

I shared last week that because of some bad choices, after what was an incredibly difficult year….I chose to embark on a discretionary spending freeze for the first quarter of 2019.

I wanted to take some time and not only look at establishing a budget and an understanding of where our money goes each month, but I also wanted to get at the root cause of why it is that when I feel bad (or sad, angry, hurt, frustrated etc.) that my impulse response tends to be to do something to make myself feel better and that “something” for me has been buying things.

It is humbling being confronted with your sin. Let me be clear here too…for me, spending in this way, as an emotional response without pausing, without going to God, has become a sin in my life. It has become something that I have done in secret, I have hidden it from my husband, I have justified my actions. THAT makes it a sin for me.

So I knew that sin nature needed to be addressed. I also knew that in making a public admission of my faults and my intentions for this quarter, put me at risk for enemy attacks. We are only 8 days in and it has come as no surprise that these first several days have been filled with difficulty.

I have taken some proactive steps and started a spreadsheet to start tracking our monthly budget. I admittedly have no idea how much we spend each month on things like groceries and household items. We use Amazon subscribe and save for many things, which is handy and convenient, but when the bill comes at the end of the month I just pay it. I haven’t ever realized where the products purchased were being used, in regards to a budget.

Tracking those things is a start. Making a list of those required monthly bills was also important. As business owners, we have monthly expenses that come each month for the business as well as expenses that come each month for our personal family. Listing them all out so we could see them was good for us.

I also took some time to start cleaning out various spaces in our home. My closet was the first place to start. I was humbled (and horrified) to find several gifts that I had purchased for Karlena and Elijah, some maybe even 3 years ago, that I had never given them. Buying in advance can have its advantages, but when the gift goes ungiven in your closet for years….that is a waste. I will find a place to donate these, but it was another eye opener as to why this process is so important for me.

And then today I got a call. It was a call I didn’t want to get and honestly came on an “anniversary” date that carries with it a lot of heartache. I am absolutely broken for this loved one and this enemy attack feels like a personal one. And quite honestly I am ticked. I am angry that these difficulties have to come. As a fixer, I just want to make things better. And as much as I want to, I honestly can’t fix this.

I remember the desperation I felt last year, the worry and anxiety and hopelessness. I have been reading the book “It’s Not Supposed to Be This Way” by Lysa Terkeurst. It has been such a gift to me, speaking to me in advance of this moment today. She says this, “Every time we face anything that causes us to cry out to God, let’s declare that this hard time will be a holy time, a close-to-God time.”

So that is what I am doing. I read through 2 Corinthians 4:8-18 this morning (I am sharing it below) and it speaks such hope to us. I don’t have to like trials that come at me or those I love, but I am not without hope because of who Christ is in me. I am trying to pray that God would just be present and not pray MY will in this situation. Trusting that God knows the best outcome and that no matter what God will not abandon us. I am holding on to that today.

My response in hard times has been to run out and get something to make myself feel better. Today I am going to seek to find my peace and contentment in prayer and praise of who God is. All I have is Christ….


2 Corinthians 4:8-18 New Living Translation (NLT)

8 We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. 9 We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. 10 Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies.

11 Yes, we live under constant danger of death because we serve Jesus, so that the life of Jesus will be evident in our dying bodies. 12 So we live in the face of death, but this has resulted in eternal life for you.

13 But we continue to preach because we have the same kind of faith the psalmist had when he said, “I believed in God, so I spoke.”[a] 14 We know that God, who raised the Lord Jesus,[b] will also raise us with Jesus and present us to himself together with you. 15 All of this is for your benefit. And as God’s grace reaches more and more people, there will be great thanksgiving, and God will receive more and more glory.

16 That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are[c] being renewed every day. 17 For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! 18 So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.

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